STEAMERS

EARLY MORNING CAMPGROUND CHILL
VENISON – NIGHT’S BELLY FILL
GASTRIC GROWL – FIND A LEAF,
BARELY TIME TO DEBRIEF…

FOUR A.M., NEW YORK, NEW YEAR
ATE YOUR WEIGHT WASHED DOWN WITH BEER
YOU WON’T MAKE YOUR BUNGALOW
YOU JUST NEED A PLACE TO GO!

STEAMERS – DELIVER THE GOODS!
EVEN LINCOLN SHAT IN THE WOODS!
YOU’RE AT ONE WITH CRACK WHORES
LAYING CABLE IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS!

HALLOWEEN MISCHIEF – GASOLINE!
IGNITE YOUR FECES, LEAVE THE SCENE!
THEY’RE NOT HOME YET – BLEW YOUR HUNCH!
GOOD THING YA HAD A BIG LUNCH!

EARLY MORNING CAMPGROUND CHILL
NOT A SPECK LEFT ON THE GRILL
TIME ALONE OUT OF SUN
LARGE LEAF WILL GET THE JOB DONE!

GIVE PIZZA CHANTS

Five days a week at our desks working from nine to five,
Yet only at lunchtime do we all come alive;
Chris shouts “Burgers!” - Joe yells “Fish!” - they sing and even dance;
Yet I am victorious, giving pizza chants…
Give me a piece of pizza please!
Don't make me get down on my knees!
Double sausage and extra cheese
and pile on those anchovies!


It’s Sunday, we’re at the bar, the score is nine to eight,
Yet only at half-time do we communicate;
Chris shouts “Burgers!” – Joe yells  Fish!” - I take my same old stance;
I always get what I want,  giving pizza chants…
Give me pizza or give me death!
No, I am not on crystal-meth!
Let garlic be on my last breath
or heads will roll like in Macbeth!

Now you’re home, the day is done, what would you like to eat?
You and your precious loved ones begin to compete;
She wants burgers, he wants fish - but I’ll tell in advance:
You’ll always be the winner giving pizza chants…
Give me P-I-double Z-A!
Let's order two pies - What the hey?!
Don't let me be in disarray-
Look! Here they come! Hip, hip hooray!

I LOVE HER – SHE SQUIRTS!

Gelatinous burst from her back door hole,
Cocoa brown in color-liquid Tootsie Roll;
Splotches on the wall, to the tiles it drips;

Wild-eyed peeping tom licks his lips!

His dream is parallel - feasts upon All-Bran,
Relaxes his stool but it all ends in the can;
Over his bodily function he must gain control,

Meantime his reveries are of that keyhole

URINE ASSHOLE

HERE’S SOME FILTH ON ONE OF MY FRIENDS
WHO PLANTS HIS POLE IN TIGHT REAR ENDS
 -WITH ALL HIS BEER HE NEVER COMES
JUST VOIDS HIS BLADDER INTO RECTUMS!

HE FILLS THEM WITH HIS WARMTH
BUT QUICKLY THEY TURN COLD
EXCUSE THE PUN: THEY’RE PISSED
…AT HIS ENEMA OF GOLD!

TERMINAL ILLNESS

Skycap didn't await my two cents;
I guess it was my chronic flatulence!
Check-in counter found me glassy-eyed
Fumes from my bowels did not subside!
Metal detector gave me a rash!
I swear it's true not balderdash!
I got the runs at the duty free;
And now it isn't...Thanks to me!

Airports make me sick! I seem the lunatic!

My flight was delayed, I began to cough!
All the phlegm I hacked could have filled a trough!

I lost my lunch on my boarding pass!
I guess I won't be bumped up to first class!

Airports make me ill!I won't feel better until...

I am in the air /Flying anywhere
Enjoying peanuts /Flight attendant butts
Clouds are in full view Drinks? I'll have a few
Salisbury steak/Coffee, tea and cake
Film makes me smile/I walk down the aisle
Occupy the restroom

Higher we do zoom!

My temperature was 104
as I stumbled on through custom's door!
I got vertigo at the baggage claim!
Cheery skycap gave me a migraine!

 I don't want to die but I love getting high!

LIFE

MONDAY - CLEAN UP AISLE 10! CLEAN UP AISLE 9!
TUESDAY - CLEAN UP AISLE 8! CLEAN UP AISLE 7!
WEDNESDAY - CLEAN UP AISLE 6! CLEAN UP AISLE 5!
THURSDAY - CLEAN UP AISLE 4! CLEAN UP AISLE 3!
FRIDAY - CLEAN UP AISLE 2! CLEAN UP AISLE 1!
WEEKEND…
SPLIT A TWELVE-PACK, RENT SOME PORN,
PLAY AIR HOCKEY UNTIL MORN;
WATCH “THREE STOOGES” ON T.V.,
DON’T WAKE UP BEFORE 2:30-
THIS IS LIFE FOR YOU AND ME!

MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO SIAULIAI

Krupnikas had put my mind at ease,
Conductor shouted "All tickets please!"
I asked if next time he could YELL LOW
I needed sleep and not far to go...

Hear the scraping of the pistons,
Hill of crosses in the distance;
Lord, let me get away...

Drank a double shot to calm my nerves,
Motorman hugged a couple of curves;
Neither was what had made me GREEN
'Twas two days before, a ghastly scene!

I was about to drink my one last drop,
Then saw the shield of a transit cop;
Shuddered at the lengthy warrant READ
I butchered my boss and then I fled...
My flask was puddled in my defeat,
The porter had to clean up my seat;
ALL MY COLORS HAVE NOW TURNED GREY,
I never got to see Siauliai!

IT’S SO LONELY WHEN YOU DON’T LIKE SCHOOL

ROLL MY ROACHES INTO A JOINT
LIGHT IT UP BUT THINK: WHAT’S THE POINT?
POUR MYSELF ANOTHER CUP OF COOL…

HEAD TO THE WOODS TO HIDE FROM THE FUZZ
DRINK A 40 JUST TO CATCH A BUZZ
GO HOME, FIND BLOOD IN MY STOOL…

SPEND THREE HOURS ON THE COUCH
MAY BE LESS BUT NO ONE CAN VOUCH
HAVE MYSELF A FIERCE THUMB DUEL…

I’M SO LONELY…

12:30: I GO FOR A SLICE
DRINK A BEER WITH WAY TOO MUCH ICE
CHUCK CUBES AT KIDS PLAYING POOL…

HAVE A SMOKE AFTER MY LUNCH
FOR DESSERT I HAVE A NESTLE CRUNCH
TOSS HALF IN THE TOWN SWIMMING POOL…

3:00: I’M OUTSIDE THE GYM
SEE A TEACHER, THROW A ROCK AT HIM
RUBS HIS HEAD AND CALLS ME A FOOL…

MARCHING BAND BLOWING THEIR HORNS
TRACK TEAM COMPLAINING OF CORNS
CHEERLEADERS DO NOT MAKE ME DROOL…

MY MOM ASKED “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?”
TELL A LIE THAT I GOT AN “A”
EAT SOME MEAT AND A CUP OF GRUEL…

LIE AWAKE AND STARE AT THE NEWS
SEARCH MY ROOM FOR A BOTTLE OF BOOZE
FIND AN EMPTY AND SHOUT LIFE IS CRUEL…

MISTLETOE BELT BUCKLE

I was masturbating one Christmas morning I realized I needed head,
So I stopped what the hell I was doing and got on my trusty sled;
I rode 'round back of my Grandma's place where the bush is nice and thick
and got me a branch of mistletoe to dangle above my dick!

Later that day I met a clever gal who waved a twig above her snatch
I said that looks really good but there is just one catch:
When you do me, you'll lick my balls and swallow all that comes to pass
- or else I'll hang that mistletoe right above my ass!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Look where hangs my mistletoe!
Rudolph's going down in history
but you're going down on me!

Well, my Yule log went into her fireplace, the fit was nice and tight
I spread my cheer all across her face-Her Christmas was surely white!
One year later, my balls were blue and I bumped into Old St. Nick
I was out of milk and cookies so I let him sample some figgy pudding
I had prepared for a Christmas luncheon!

RAPID DESCENT INTO OBLIVION

The president’s plane is missing
New York City’s in flames
The leaders just hit the button
To start that last video game!

The high-pitched sirens are screaming
The economy’s taking a dive
Just for fun, we’ll hit defcon one
We’ll all be buried alive!

Radio across the nation, killing us with radiation!

The USA and Iraq
Look at this mess we’re creatin’
Can’t we turn to God?
Why must we turn to Satan?

JOHN BELUSHI

JUST AN ALBANIAN PUNK FROM THE WINDY CITY
WHO BECAME POPULAR ON A NEW YORK T.V. SHOW
HE PLAYED MORE ROLES THAN THE DREAMER NAMED WALTER MITTY
THE NETWORK COULD’VE PUT HIM ON PRIME TIME BUT NO…

HE COULD BE RAW LIKE A PLATE FULL OF SUSHI
YET SO REFINED AND BE NON-PARIEL.
I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE JOHN BELUSHI
BUT I WANT TO DIE LIKE SOMEONE ELSE…
THIS ANIMAL HOUSED A NEIGHBOR UNLIKE ANY OTHER
BUT HE SHOULD’VE LISTENED WHEN HE SAID “NO COKE, PEPSI!”
HE WAS ANOTHER VICTIM OF COCAINE BLUES, BROTHER…
IN THE END, SAMURAI SPEEDBALL WOULD HIS KILLER BE.

SUSPECTED PRECEDENTS
She was hurried, rushed more than usual in a crowded place filled with noise,
Then interrupted during a pleasant task - A friend acted counterpoise!
Who in their right mind would do this divergent thing? No one really knows!
Suspected precedents deserve examining before we suppose!

He was advised to work independently but always denied a request;
An urgent phone call brought him disappointing news --His car was repossessed!
The final straw, An unjust law
Push comes to shove, Point of break
Chronic headache, All of the above!

You were not receiving any attention, Then you were verbally provoked...
This lead to physical abuse of you - In the chest you were poked...