A Little Nutty

I’ve been doing research
And I found a mess of dirt!
First, your name’s not Phillip…
Your name is really Filbert!

I eat a whole lot of almonds
And I mean no offense, buddy;
You remind me of my feces,
Like you, it’s a little nutty!

You don’t smell very bad,
Your voice is never nasal;
Your hair is not blond but
Your eyes are truly hazel!

I eat a whole lot of cashews
And I mean no offense, buddy;
You remind me of my feces,
Like you, it’s a little nutty!

My research has never been recognized
by any sort of academia…
So don’t call me the nutty professor
just pass another macadamia!
These nuts?!

You just don’t understand:
You’re not way over the hill;
You weren’t born yesterday
But you were born in Brazil!

I eat a whole lot of pecans
And I mean no offense, buddy;
You remind me of my feces,
Like you, it’s a little nutty!

I eat a whole lot of acorns,
I like to munch when I study
You remind me of my feces,
Like you, it’s a little nutty!

Eye Don’t Wanna See You

I don’t wanna see you again
In real life or in my mind!
I don’t wanna see you anymore…
I’ll hear you out but be blind!

You had me starin’ at your face:
I’d rather stare right into space!
If looks could kill, I’d never look
And don’t ya judge a cover by the book!

I don’t wanna see you again
In real life or in my mind!
I don’t wanna see you anymore…
I’ll hear you out but be blind!

I turn to stone, you’re like Medusa -
No sight for sore eyes, you abuser!
I have searched for a decision
And I don’t want 20/20 vision!

I don’t wanna see you again
In real life or in my mind!
I don’t wanna see you anymore…
I’ll hear you out but be blind!

I am now blind - it’s a Christening!
I cannot see you, but I’m listening!
No ghastly sights for me to view…
Oh babe, won’t you cut your eyes out now, too?

I don’t wanna see you again
In real life or in my mind!
(What’s left of it, anyway!)
I don’t wanna see you anymore…
I’ll hear you out but be blind!
Oh so blind! Oh so blind!
Oh so blind! Oh so blind!

Forty-Five Minutes in the Bathroom

Been in there ‘bout an hour! Come on out, it’s gettin' late!
Are you takin’ a shower - or tryin’ to defecate?
You might be constipated, yet I betcha got the runs!
Will you exit elated with redness on your buns?

Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? Thirty-five minutes too long!
Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? What the hell is goin’ on?

Mebbe yer just a cleanin’ under the rim of the bowl!
Mebbe you did some cloggin’ with the toilet paper roll!
Don’t leave an upper decker - It’ll make life such a hell!
Mebbe yer smokin’ reefer? Hey, what’s that funky smell?

Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? Thirty-five minutes too long!
Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? What the hell is goin’ on?
What the hell is goin’ on? What the hell is goin’ on?
 What the hell is goin’ on? What the hell is goin’ on?

Are you writing a novel or reading a magazine
With a young, pretty model on the pages in between?
And now you’re misbehavin’!  Lettin’ off a little steam!
Or you could just be shavin’ squirting the mirror with cream!

Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? Thirty-five minutes too long!
Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? What the hell is goin’ on?
Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? Thirty-five minutes too long!
Forty-five minutes in the bathroom? It’s all over for this song!
Now, get outta there! I gotta take a leak!

Hot Dog Stand

Thirty-five Celsius, Ninety-five Fahrenheit!
My long-haired German shepherd keeps running out of my sight…
Tell him to sit and stay, he ignores each command;
Girl, he must really like you, `cause you make my hot dog stand!

Hot dog stand! Hope it gets out of hand!
Hot dog stand! On your feet for the band!

Thirty-six Celsius, Ninety-six Fahrenheit!
My hairy cocker spaniel keeps howling all through the night…
Try to get him to play dead but he don’t understand;
Babe, you must his best friend ‘cause you make my hot dog stand!

Hot dog stand! Hope it gets out of hand!
Hot dog stand! On your feet for the band!

Ah, move over, Rover… and let Steel Wolf take over…
We are to master… as you are to dog!

Thirty-eight Celsius, One-hundred Fahrenheit!
My shaggy brown Shih Tzu bitch is surely in heat tonight!
She won’t fetch, beg or come, I may have to reprimand;
Hon, you must be her master `cause you make my hot dog stand!

Hot dog stand! Hope it gets out of hand!
Hot dog stand! On your feet for the band!

Lurning Disabilitys

They say I better learn not to love ya,
They say I better learn not to care;
They say I better learn not to want ya,
But I just sit… And right at you I stare…

Cause I can’t connect the dots,
I never can find the cheese;
Everybody thinks I gots… Lurning disabilitys!
 
They say you better learn not to love me,
They say that you better learn not to care;
They say you better learn not to want me,
But you just sit… And right at me you stare…

‘Cause you can’t undo the knots,
You can’t comprehend with ease;
Everyone believes you gots… Lurning disabilitys!
 
L-U-R-N-I-N-G We gots disabilitys!
L-U-R-N-I-N-G We gots Mike playing a lead!

They say we better learn not to love much,
They say that we better learn not to care;
They say we better learn not to want such,
But we just sit… And at each other stare…

‘Cause we can’t connect the dots,
We never can find the cheese;
Everybody thinks we gots… Lurning disabilitys!

Salmi of Wild Birds

Good double feature:
The meat is roast,
The game is dark…

Bilious pepper stirred,
Buttered onion - word!
Pan-handling tender…
Mustard, flour - blender!

If they are choice
Breast and leg -
Slice them up…!

Bilious pepper stirred,
Buttered onion - word!
Pan-handling tender…
Mustard, flour - blender!

When you are able,
Chop the carcass;
Bring it to the table…

Bilious pepper stirred,
Buttered onion - word!
Pan-handling tender…
Mustard, flour - blender!

Bilious pepper stirred! Bilious pepper stirred!
Bilious pepper stirred! Bilious pepper stirred!
Bilious pepper stirred! Bilious pepper stirred!

Slip of the Nip

Adolescent punk cuttin’ outta class
Followin’ a sheer-shirted piece-of-ass!
Walks faster - like he’s gotta take a leak -
Hopin’ to get a little cleavage peek!

It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
Quick as a radar screen blip!
It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
A glance at her ladyship!

Out-of-work woman on an interview
Wealthy, handsome boss-What’s she gonna do?
She would love to be there five days a week -
So she gives him a li’l cleavage peek!

It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
Quick as a radar screen blip!
It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
A glance at her ladyship!

Bubble gum pink, dark brown cola –What color’s her areola?
Bubble gum pink, dark brown cola –What color’s her areola?
Bubble gum pink, dark brown cola –What color’s her areola?
It’s just a - It’s just a slip of the -

Comin’ home drunk some ungodly hour
Didn’t know grandma was in the shower!
Towel drops down, y’know I start to freak -
Why couldn’t it be just a cleavage peek?

 

It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
Quick as a radar screen blip!
It’s just a slip of the nip – slip of the nip!
A glance at her ladyship!

It’s just a slip of the nip
(Bubble gum pink, dark brown cola –What color’s her areola?)
Quick as a radar screen blip!
It’s just a slip of the nip
(Bubble gum pink, dark brown cola –What color’s her areola?)
A glance at her ladyship!

It’s just a - It’s just a slip of the -
It’s just a - It’s just a slip of the - It’s just a slip of the –
It’s just a slip of the nip!

Sunday Morning (Where's the Krupnikas?)

A straight stiff shot starts the weekend off right;
One or two liters get us through each night;

When it’s all done: our heads will ache
Our butts may run, our hands will shake!
Yet, we, as one, won't take a break!
'Cause, we’re tied to a higher stake!

Sunday morning, Sunday morning, Sunday morning

A double shot starts the weekend off right;
Pour a round, leave the bottle!
Three or four liters get us through each night;
Pour a round, leave the bottle!

When it’s all done: our heads will ache
Our butts may run, our hands will shake!
Yet, we, as one, won't take a break!
'Cause, we’re tied to a higher stake!

Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas?
Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas?
Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas now?

A triple shot starts the weekend off right;
Pour a round, leave the bottle!
Five or six liters get us through each night;
Pour a round, leave the bottle!

When it’s all done: our heads will ache
Our butts may run, our hands will shake!
Yet, we, as one, won't take a break!
'Cause, we’re tied to a higher stake!
Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas?
Sunday morning: And the kugelis!
Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas now?

Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas?
Sunday morning: Call the kunigas!
Sunday morning: Where’s the krupnikas now?

Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll catch a snooze when we’re dead!

Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll catch a snooze when we’re dead!

Visi!
Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll catch a snooze when we’re dead!

Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll catch a snooze when we’re dead!

Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll catch a snooze when we’re dead!

Hail the booze, to hell with bed!
We’ll rest in peace when we’re dead!

Amen, brothers!
Aciu, Dieve.

Tex-Mex Sex

She don't wanna taco…!

Bedding a sweet señorita,
It could be love but you doubt it;
You wanna do her colita -
She don't wanna taco 'bout it!
Tex-mex sex!  Tex-mex sex!

Dismayed, you say "¡No comprende!"
But still have a means to her end;
"How about some aguardiente?"
Shakes her head - says she's nacho friend!
Tex-mex sex!  Tex-mex sex!

She says that she's nacho…!

"My chorizo would fit snugly!"
Poor attempt to restate your case;
Ah, bueno goes bad then ugly -
'Cause she gets jalapeño face!
Tex-mex sex!  Tex-mex sex!

She gets jalapeño…

The Divine Warrior

Heaven’s gates stood open,
I beheld a white horse;
The nameless horseman
Judged and waged the wars.

His eyes blazed like fire,
His clothes splattered with blood;
The diadem which he bore
Proved he was the one.

Faithful and True!
The Word of God!
Hallowed be Thy name!

King of kings!
The Lord of lords!
The Divine Warrior’s name!

The legions which he mastered,
Cloaked in linen light,
Followed him faithfully
On their horses white

A sword thrust from his mouth
Striking down nations;
The mighty sword protected them
from the beast, Satan.

Faithful and True!
The Word of God!
Hallowed be Thy name!

King of kings!
The Lord of lords!
The Divine Warrior’s name!

“A feast was to be served
When the battling was done!”
Exclaimed the animals of earth
And birds of midheaven.

The flesh of kings and horses
Were served at the feast;
One prisoner wanted revenge
The Lord speared the beast!

Faithful and True!
The Word of God!
Hallowed be Thy name!

King of kings!
The Lord of lords!
The Divine Warrior’s name!

The Divine Warrior!

Three Hole Punch

Pour a quart of whiskey in a bowl,
Dump in a gallon of rye,
Add a half pint of pineapple juice,
Then send the pretty girls by!

Pour a quart of vodka in a bowl,
Dump in a gallon of gin,
Add a half pint of cranberry juice,
Then let the pretty girls in!

Three hole punch
Girls will love us a bunch!
Three hole punch
But that could be a hunch!

Pour a quart of bourbon in a bowl,
Dump in a gallon of rum,
Add a half pint of coconut juice,
Then serve the pretty girls some!

Three hole punch
Girls will love us a bunch!
Three hole punch
But that could be a hunch!

Pour a quart of brandy in a bowl,
Dump in a gallon of wine,
Add a half pint of passion fruit juice,
Then give the pretty girls mine!
 
Three hole punch
Girls will love us a bunch!
Three hole punch
If they don’t lose their lunch!