SHOPLIFTING BANANAS

Hanging on the beach, bikini comes in sight,
Had a couple brews – he’s not thinking right;
Next thing he knows he’s got a face full of sand,
His wife thinks he ripped off the local fruit stand!
She’s thinking that he was shoplifting bananas…
She said “Thou shall not steal -although its got appeal!”

Drinking on the porch, what’s coming down the street?
Tank top, tight jeans, stilettos on her feet;
Goes in the corner store, she’s out of his life,
But he delivers fresh produce to his wife!

Shopping the supermarket for a six-pack,
Sees some tight shorts at the magazine rack;
Grabs a newspaper so he can hide his bulge,
His wife sees this healthy snack and does indulge!

NO MERCY FLUSH

You’re taking care of Number One
By taking care of number 2!
The paperwork is almost done
But the stench you cannot undo!

First, you gush!  Then, you crush…
You give no mercy flush!
See them blush! What a rush!
They got no mercy flush!

Just taking a load off your mind
Losing ten pounds the easy way!
The best thing you will leave behind
Is your own signature bouquet!

Well, all you do is sit ‘n’ stink
People say you need a new goal!
Just for them all ideas you think
Are now left floating in the bowl!

MY GRANDMA’S ADVICE

My grandma was a genius, she taught me -oh so- well,
She told me “Do not horse around when riding the carousel!”
She also said “Don’t shoot your mouth off when someone’s got a gun!
But I’m the fool ‘cause I forgot the rule she called number one!

“Don’t ever mistake the urinal cake for a cookie!
Taste that bathroom disk and your obelisk won’t find nookie!”

I went drinking on an empty stomach in the hot noonday sun,
Had me thirteen malt liquors and seven shots of 151;
Ended up in an ambulance (That much info will suffice!),
I was so damaged and so famished I forgot grandmas advice…

Well, them piss-pucks are chock full of paradichlorobenzene,
So I’m pretty damn lucky that I didn’t yet meet that impaled Nazarene;
Still, every girl thinks I’m a joke - might as well be sepulchered,
My grandma cried, I almost died, I forgot her sacred word…

SERVING BEER TO MINERS

I’m rinsing mugs in the sink - miners are leaving work!
They’re tired and wanna drink - their boss has been a jerk!
They use heavy machinery to extract iron ore!
Here, they enjoy the scenery with ice cold brew galore!
Who likes draft beer?

Serving beer to miners! Forever icy cold!
Serving beer to miners! Cannot deny fools gold!
Reserving those miners not twenty-one years old!

They step up and suck’em down, I appreciate the tips!
Sometimes I will buy a round and serve potato chips!
They track in soot, I don’t care, they mine all day for coal!
All they ever wanna hear is real loud rock n roll!
Who likes Steel Wolf?

Working in a diamond mine - some of them have been trapped!
I always refill each stein until the keg is tapped!
I’m boozer friendly, here’s proof - all have beer goggles on!
I let them sleep on the roof, cook’em breakfast at dawn!
Who likes fried eggs?

HAZARDVILLE HEADLINES

Playgrounds strewn with broken glass,
Streets unsafe with oil slicks;
Rats reside in unkempt grass,
Forests filled with gnats and ticks…

Screwed up down in Hazardville,
(Had a meeting with the man!)
Ridin’ ol’ silver bullet:
Hold on, mama, if you can!
In the back of a pick-up truck
I come to you in the night;
Feel the warmth of your soft skin,
Hold on, mama - oh so tight!

Trash causes sewers to clog,
Brushfires still burn and spread,
Asthma cases linked to smog,
Drinking water contains lead…

Schoolyards filled with toxic waste,
Potholes up fifty percent;
Milk products have aftertaste,
Landlords keep on raising rent!

GETTIN’ IT (FROM BOTH ENDS)

Wendy is a waitress at a local saloon,
Wide-smile customer asks her something about a spoon
And her boss wants a nice dish served up hot and just right;
The cure for a small tip is in her bed tonight!

‘Cause she’s getting it from both ends and she’s ready to blow!
She needs a couple good friends along with her beau!

Fran’s a flight attendant on a long jumbo jet,
Mile high passenger heard she gives good headset!
And the cockpit wants service! Well she is no airhead!
Cure for a bumpy ride is a night in her bed!

She said “Take this job and shove it! I can’t stand the harassment…”
He said “Take my knob and love it!” ‘Cause that’s how much her ass meant!

Tammy is a teacher with an oversized class
Class clown ‘n’ principal are both pains in the ass
Gail’s a gospel singer! Kathy’s a crack whore!
They’re getting it from both ends but there’s room for one more!

STINKFINGER!

There’s a game played in junior high school,
It’s learned right after the golden rule
Do unto others to make them moan!
That’s why all kids want a hands-free phone!

Her little wiggle becomes a wink
Now you get some fingerstink!
A heavenly stench laced with pheromone;
Givin you a wrench - Work it to the bone!

Everyone plays at sleep away camp!
Down at the fishing hole shorts get damp!
Someone sticks a thumb up, says “Smell this!”
Aroma of trout with a hint of piss!

Her little dribble becomes a drink
See it on your face- You were stuck at first;
Got to second base- Smells like liverwurst!

Kids aint privy to this wet, sweet dream!
Thirty-one year olds still enjoy high screams!
Cherry’s plucked from the banana split,
As for the whipped cream there’s no limit!

Your little pickle gets in the pink
Wanna get a job? Give it to the boss!
Polish up your knob! With that creamy sauce!

DEPENDS ON ME

Nobody understands
Nobody comprehends
Why, underneath my pants
I choose to wear Depends!
Come in many sizes
There’s even his and hers
I don’t want surprises
In my adult diapers!

D P N D S - O N M – E
My license plate says: Depends on me!
Just had to leave out some of the vowels
Don’t need to leave when I move my bowels!

I’m not incontinent
Guess you know what that means
It’s not inherited
Doesn’t run in my jeans!
Go wherever I choose
And if you’d like I might
Show you that I consumed
Corn on the cob last night!

Don’t have control issues
I surely hold my own
Still use toilet tissues
But don’t sit on the throne!
Have a working bladder
I wear Depends by choice
It’s a fecal matter
In which I do rejoice!

I WANT A 20-PIECE

I really want quadruple bass,
I really want six mounted toms;
I want two snares just because
And I want a set of octobons!
I want a thirty-inch magnum crash,
I want four Chinese gongs;
I want a seven-inch little splash
And I want a rack of rototoms!

SPREAD THE LOVE MAYONNAISE

I challenged my town dry cleaner
To extract a tough trouser smear;
After checking in her guide book
She whispered, “Please come in the rear.
This stain is truly uncommon
How did it ever come to be?”
I gave some lame explanation…
She winked and replied knowingly…

“I love mayonnaise with hard salami
Sandwiched between buns hot as pastrami!”

The time for lunch came upon us,
Swiftly, she flipped the Open sign;
She asked if I’d help her catch-up,
I told her I’d relish the time!

A miracle whipped off her clothes,
Her body was tanned spicy brown;
But I forgot my condiment
She walked out in a dressing gown!