THAT GREEN LIGHT FOR WEED!
Found a dame to ignite your flame
Mustn't show her your smoke
Decide to quit, live life legit
After one last toke
You can't abstain, efforts in vain
You ask her to concede
She doesn't front, you get your want:
That green light for weed!
In times of glee or misery
You float inside your bong
You just dream of your one true love
That's why I wrote this song
With ev'ry day you get more gray
Your sperm count did recede
Is it friend or foe?
Don't you know?
At a singles bar in Canada,
A dude knocks back a can o' bud
While staring down a mademoiselle,
He says "Bon jour!", She retorts "Go to Hell!"
One more beer and another try,
That girl doesn't fall for his lie,
His friend shouts "Ay! You'd better stop!
Let's proceed to the donut shop!"
The dude stumbles in with his peers,
Has a dozen donuts and twelve beers
"Hey, waiter! Bring me a Boston creme!"
He shuts his eyes and begins to dream
The girl says "Yes!" and he eats her out,
But donuts aren't good with sauerkraut,
His face is glazed and sticky like glue,
In the morning he'll have pusryciu!
JUST ADD SEMEN
High school diploma, college aroma, life was to begin
A fetchin' young wench, drunk, on a park bench, invited him in
Ejaculation was no sensation 'cause his rubber broke
He denied his "crime" but in nine months time daddy's shotgun spoke
He used his school i.d. to get a condom free but its low quality gave him instant family…
Twelve hour shifts with broken forklifts for minimum wage
Seeks cans in the street to make some ends meet, pay rent on his cage
Thing from his semen never stops screamin', his wife is a nag
Life won't be the same, he knows what to blame: Fuckin' cheap scumbag!
RUBBER CHECK CHARLIE
I'm filling up my tank but I only have a check,
The guy says "You've an honest face! Sure! What the heck!";
I also get cigarettes and a case of beer,
I'm sure he'll be agitated when it doesn't clear!
like writing bad checks (He likes writing bad checks)
I do it all the time (He does it all the time)
I don't give a rat's ass (He couldn't care less)
That it's a goddamn crime (That it's against the law)
Might get arrested but I'm having so much fun,
Writing lots of bad checks and living on the run
Some guy comes to my door begging for some bread,
I tell him "Get employed!" and hit him on the head;
He says "I'm broke! I'll take any small amount!",
I write him out a check though the bank closed my account!
Ask a hooker "How much would I be charged?"
Three hundred bucks because she was just enlarged!
We enjoy intercourse until the morning light,
She said she wanted cash but you know what I'll write!
ALICE'S BEARDED CLAM
A time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, a time to cry
A dime a dozen, a dime a dance, a kissin' cousin, a one night stand
Be obedient, be omnipotent, be clairvoyant, be three dimensional
Be true to your school, B+ grades, beans for lunch, beat the spades
See the girl, C for caress, see the boy, "Si" means yes
See our daughter, see our son, sea of water, see arson
I give my brother money to buy some bread and honey,
He puts on his cloaks and rags
He comes on home totally stoned,
He bought some nickel bags! I beat him up; society's corrupt!
Man, it's a social disease!
And the President and the Parliament are vacationing overseas!
Ripshit! Rampage! Blow the world to nothing!
Ripshit! Rampage! Someone press the button!
For days and days I never got a raise,
I asked for one - I lost my job,
Had a house but I was kicked right out
and now I got a bus stop!
My brother's gonna cry 'cause he can't get high
but there are other ways to leave the ground
He could take a plane but that would be insane
because someone's gonna shoot it down!
My brother's only six and he's having sex, he's a one man show
and every radio station across the nation never plays our rock 'n' roll;
To put this hell to an end we need a God send,
Life on earth can exist no more
and when we die no one's gonna cry for our teeming shore
AURAL SECTS AT GUN POINT
Born in a gutter, raised in another
You don't have a father, you don't have a mother
You tell your girlfriend: "Gimme head!"
Now her brains are filled with lead!
See a nun and just for fun,
Whip it out, watch her run
You tell her to suck it, she says she'll just pull it,
Now the bitch bites the bullet!
Everybody's eating your pubic beard,
Bury'em in Vaseline, man, you're weird
She's got a gun to her head, she starts to cough,
Now the bitch bites it off
No yogurt liver or cheese,
denied soy sauce on Chinese
The end of spinach and avocados
Vanilla, chocolate - both out!
To beans I can't be devout,
Withheld from citrus fruits and tomatoes
No red wine, coffee or tea
Yet, refused anxiety
Physical exertion I must avoid
Witch hazel and acetone - chemicals I can't condone
Likewise for any topical steroid…
Rosacea: outrageous reddening of the face!
Rosacea arousal: things so commonplace!
No hot baths, saunas or steams
Day at the beach? In my dreams!
Chao to spicy and thermally hot grub
From gusts I need be concealed
To frost I can't be revealed
Besides, chronic coughs chafe like Beelzebub!
Vein dilation, postulation, nodulation
What can cool this hell? Assuage with metrogel...
My old man escaped this planet, full of scotch and PCP
My world is inert as granite, however, through astronomy
I perceive evacuation from this scrubby globe of griefs can be launched from Hershey's highway
There's no need to pack your briefs
Headed where the sun don't shine,
I'm an astronaut-put the accent on the ass
My big mother ship needs some gas
So I'm headed for Uranus... Uranus or bust!
I wanna milky way on your moon,
Its populace hopes I come soon,
I'm an astronaut and I wanna bust a nut!
Don't want no "ifs" or "ands"-just a butt!
Yes, I know there are many black holes in space
Yet, I find Uranus is my fav'rite place!
My boys and I travel first class! That's why we're...
SMOKIN' CRACK BLUES
Dined on Texas chili with beans of red and black,
Dined on Texas chili and it was sure not a snack,
Now it's a sleepless night in Austin due to your smokin' crack!
(Tell’em Ellis!) You got the smokin' crack blues!
Went overboard with that fiftieth Buffalo wing,
Went overboard-why'd you have to eat that thing?
Now you roam the streets of Amherst 'cause the diner banned smoking!
To cool down a bit use noxema when you wipe, T
To cool down a bit, you best believe the hype!
Now since you're so well lubricated accept my crack pipe!
NIGHT OF 1,000 KOLDUNAI
Mate was near for Mindaugas, retreat saw blood drenched woods
Limbless men traced body parts back to burnt neighborhoods
From sick horses soldiers fell asleep disgraced and hurt
Clanging shovels tolled a knell for last suppers of dirt
Where did they come from? Who made 'em first-those delicious kaldunai?
Well, gimme a plate and I'll tell you the great legend of Mindaugai
Famished weaklings drank their pus for strength to dig their graves,
Then on a hill Mindaugas beheld glory in waves:
Fields of wheat and onions grew as far as he could see,
In the distance cows and swine and hen ate peacefully
Mindaugas reaped with gleaming scythe horses broke their backs,
Soldiers butchered animals, bodies thrown in stacks,
Mindaugas prayed to pagan gods living in a tree,
A wolf of steel told him to kneel and a recipe:
With water from the Nemunas,
beat together eggs and flour,
spoon in salt from your sweaty brow,
knead for half an hour
The chopped meat of cows with onions
shall be rolled in minute spheres,
sheltered well in the tasty dough,
secured with happy tears
Fry up a bacon onion sauce
while boiling the kaldunai;
sour cream on the side is nice-
this meal will surely satisfy!
Soldiers ate ravenously and gave the steel wolf thanks
Men regained the strength to kill and fell into their ranks
The enemy was crushed swiftly, tortured endless days
Mindaugas ruled once again,
All sang the steel wolf's praise
Now, you know where they came from, who made 'em first, so finish your plate and tell someone...
BLOODY MARY SUNDAY
The dog that bit us last evening was clearly a prohibited grain,
We'd counterattack with a six-pack but that won't annihilate our pain!
Awakened from our snooze, we're exclaiming of booze-Bloody Marys!
To keep from feeling weak make sure the pitcher's passed
on the first day of the week or maybe it's the last
It doesn't really matter as long as we get trashed!
A juice of pulpy vermilion, an unbridled horse radish bite,
a celery beam so crisp and green like the money we spent last night!
Lavishly topped with hot sauce and it's hours on the couch for us,
The TV guide helps plan our ride until the pitcher is vacuous!
If we ever run out of vodka, we'll make a jug with whiskey or gin,
Since we all define alcohol absolutely the best medicine!
Bloody Mary Sunday... gimme some, not just one, maybe three...
P.K. Sweeney's! Steak 'n' eggs! Chocolate waffles! Ranchero omelet!
Crepes suzette! Eggplant fritters! Whole grain muffins!
GOD BLESS EWE
Once a seminary excreted a piece of crap who publicly showed to ensue a pious map
Abstinence was never his, hollow vows were made, he loved his flock of sheep a bit too much I'm 'fraid!
He had swore to God:"Latent is my rod!" Lambchop found it odd forced into her bod!
When he sang "God bless you!" Did he equivocate?
Perhaps he will be flushed to Hell and not saved at Heaven's gate…
OWL CREEK BRIDGE
Intrepid troops 'cross the border, An officer tightens the bight;
Beneath lies the frigid water, I'll hang just above for the night!
The priest is mumbling Latin, My body is polished with sweat;
The crowd on the side has stopped chattin', I now smoke my last cigarette!
My misdeed: I crossed unto their land, The general gives me a glare;
At the top of his lungs, he shouts the command-'round my neck tautens the snare!
The planks give and now I am chokin', Can't believe this happenin' to me;
As I fall I see the rope hath broken-Does this mean I can be free?
I'm under water-never colder!, Up for air-a bullet splinters my hand!
Jumpin' rocks-I've busted my shoulder! Where in the hell is the sand?
I'm out and the soldiers are chasin'; a sniper shatters my bone!
Through swamps death we are facin' Oh, please God, let me get home!
Past the troops I do fly across the line, once there I'm no longer in reach,
For them to cross over is proclaimed a crime-our troops will appear on their beach!
Blood turns me red like a nocturnal torch; up this road stands my old house,
I can make out the chair on my front porch-in it is sitting my spouse!
I feel a vice-grip around my throat, I fall and let out a scream!
Again I am hanging over the moat... My escape had all been a dream!